My First Degree.

It's the first time I am having a photo of me as my blog's thumbnail, that tells you how much I love this image right here. You see everytime I scroll through my gallery and find this, I stare at myself for so long and a part of me just sparkles. My fit fitted as perfectly as I had envisioned it. I wanted a very long gown and I got just that. It's the kind of pic I'd love to have in my hallway when I buy a house someday.

I low-key wish I had written this piece during my graduation week  because I was so excited about bagging my first degree, unlike now. Right now my mind is so pre-occupied with getting my first office job or finding a way to make money because there is so much in my plate. I want to be able to sort bills and be comfortable with this little life of mine. 

The reason I pushed myself to write about my first degree is so I can be at par with my blog, it's another year you know. And honestly, graduating was one of my biggest wishes in 2023. To you all my readers, I wish you a 'driving with the windows down as the wind rustles through your hair' kind of year. A easy one. I hope it won't have you bustling your ass off so much, and if it does, may it be so rewarding!

I graduated with a bachelor's degree in Business Management, Finance and Banking option. Apart from good grades, there are two more things that had me feeling so proud of myself. And here is a little story about my campus life that will make you understand the pride I am talking about.

I joined Moi University on 27th August 2018. I have beautiful memories of my admission day, memories I hold onto. It was just my dad I. I was a little girl and every little thing my dad did for me just felt good. He drove us all the way to Eldoret from some little village in Transmara East, Narok County. When we got to Eldoret town on the evening of 26th, he wanted us to get to school so he could be sure of the exact location of Moi University, he said he didn't want to get up at 4am the next day and be late for admission just because of unsurerity. I guess Google maps couldn't give him the kind of surety he wanted. Unbeknownst to us, that meant an extra 30km drive. We got there, did a mini-survey and then got back to town. We went shopping at Tuskys supermarket after having good dinner. He told me to pick everything I wanted and I did just that. I felt so pampered and he just looked happy that evening. 

We got to school pretty early on 27th. After we were done with the hectic admission process, he took me to my hostel, I settled in and then were on our way to town again. My dad said I deserved some good lunch one more time before switching to survival mode, more like having a budget that I would have to stick to. After our 'last lunch' he bought me a phone( my first smart phone) and a hoodie because he said I deserved one expensive hoodie.(' Acha nikununulie hii mzuri moja kwa sababu najua ukienda soko utajinunulia zile za students')Huh! We bid each other goodbye after he blessed my pockets with some good cash. And so campus life started.

I didn't join campus with that 'bubbly' energy, and so my circle of friends was really small, we often hang out together. I was hard on guys, I didn't want to indulge in a romantic relationship real quick but there is always that one guy that sweeps you off your feet. 

How we met? This one evening we were going to buy supper with one of my girlfriends and we met a group of four guys in some spot, just as were taking a right turn to join the main road.Funny how I remember that exact spot!I'm just a girl, right? They didn't look like idlers, I guess they were waiting for someone. They all looked mature and put together. One glance just as we passed by them had me locking eyes with one of them. And it was love at first sight. I didn't know I had a type until I saw him. He excused himself from his friends without verbally saying it (bro code maybe?) and came to say hi. Jeeez he smelled so good! We had a little chat and he asked if he could have my number which I gladly gave. After a few weeks of talking, we met again. I said amen to the hymen not long after that.

There were evenings that we spent outside my hostel talking about things I don't remember. All I remember is how good it felt being absorbed in those moments, so much that I'd forget about the cold and my 7am classes - good thing though, I never missed any of them. Some evenings would find me at his place and he would cook us dinner and then I'd sleep over. He was a bookworm, so not a bad influence at all when it came to my class work. Being a novice at love, I had nothing to compare those little experiences with, I didn't know anything better than that, I was in love. I later came to realize that I got emotionally connected to him so fast because life after high school had felt like hell at some point. So by the time I joined varsity I was emotionally broken and my attachment to him felt like a form of healing for me. 

Towards the end of my first semester, I often fell sick and went to hospital like twice. No big-girl tests were done on me. I guess my symptoms didn't suggest anything like that, I mostly had severe headaches and felt fatigued, nothing like vomiting in the morning. I wasn't worried about a possible pregnancy either, it didn't even cross my mind. I think about that kind of innocence now and I just pity the little girl I was. I think in my mind I knew (assumed) that an older guy 'protects' his girlfriend. See how annoying that kind of innocence is?

Fast forward, I went home for the December holidays and got back to school on 10th January 2019. Four days later, my sister's sudden death happened. She was my closest. Her being the first family member we lost, I wasn't familiar with that type of loss. I had never felt so broken and helpless. It was shock and disbelief and pain and every feeling that hurts, all at once. I couldn't stop crying. 

The most unforgiving part about death is having to show up for a burial ceremony when you're still battling with acceptance.You feel like telling the world to pause a little so you can try and absorb everything, even though you can't.

I travelled home on 16th and got back to school towards the end of that month. I will talk about this loss in another piece so I won't say much about it here. 

When I got back to school, all my days were just sad. I used to call my family members and vent while crying until I couldn't anymore, because at some point it felt like I was a burden; dragging people down in their healing process. I'd drag myself to attend classes no matter how weak and sick I felt, because I was either in class or in my house, crying. I registered for CPA classes thinking books would help me escape all that reality but no, they didn't. 

I don't know what was depressing me the most between my sister's loss and having to handle the reality of a pregnancy alone. I guess they were intertwined because my sister would have been the first person I'd have talked to about my situation. I sank in mourning so much that Iiterally forgot about myself. You see the way girls find out they are pregnant through a test? That wasn't the case for me. I didn't find out, I just lived through every sign, slowly and painfully. 

I dreaded the end of that semester because there was going to be a long holiday from May to September, so I had little time to decide whether to inform my parents that I was with child or go missing. I often thought about the latter but not in a suicidal kind of way.

I know this is so much suspense but let's skip to January 2021. I had to defer school for 1 year so I could take care of my son. And then COVID happened, so I was home for close to 2years, damn! And when it was time to resume school, my parents wanted me to quit Moi university and go to Maasai Mara University to pursue English literature.One, they didn't want me going back to the same 'monsters' that messed up my life. Two, they had always wanted me to do a degree in education so here was a chance to try and convince me because the first attempt hadn't worked. Three, one of my big sisters was living very close to Maasai Mara University and that was a plus. They had their reasons, and I guess they were trying to protect me. 

So when I stood my ground about not changing schools, it ended up looking like I was rebellious. And no, don't get it wrong, they still supported me fully when I went back to Moi, just that at that point in time, that kind of pressure had me so stressed up. I went back to school unhappy because I really hate conflict. In my mind I was like, 'I want to finish what I started. And I don't want my only memory of Moi University to be a teenage pregnancy that subsequently had me quitting.' Better still, I knew I could complete my undergraduate studies and be a lecturer later on.

Going back to school meant separation from my son. I would have wished to go to school with him but what do you say when you can't fund your desires? The reality was that it was much more practical to leave him with my parents but I was so attached to him. Since the first time I held him, he had been the only good thing in my life.My peace amidst so much chaos.There were times I would hug the whole of him and cry so hard.So when I went back to school, I'd sometimes cry missing him.

Having deferred, I had new classmates but I didn't mind having no friends in class. I slowly got to know them. A sum up of my 2nd year would be - adjusting and slowly finding myself again. 

Third year went by smoothly, I was mostly happy. It's around that time that I fell so much in love with myself- my body, my personality, my life choices.I had fun - I travelled to Meru and to Mombasa with my fellow Drama Club members, I went on a roadtrip to Elgeyo Market with my friends, I did my attachment in Nakuru County which was so successful and best of all, I started to feel passionate about everything - Finance.

Fourth year flew by. Life after school came with it's own challenges but 2023's biggest wish happened - my name on the graduation list. I can't describe the amount of gratitude that filled my heart. I read my name on that list so many times. 

Assuming you haven't picked the two things that filled me with pride from this little campus life story, here they are: 

That I was able to bounce back after deferment and put my mind back to books,

And that I believed in myself and successfully completed what I had started.

Everything surrounding my graduation day turned out so well. My dad asked for my 'graduation budget' and funded the whole of it. I bought all I wanted. I travelled from Nairobi to Eldoret with my son and throughout that whole journey I felt so content. My little guy fascinated my friends with his pronunciation of 'graduation'. He kinda knew what was happening because I kept telling him that mummy was done with school and she was graduating. I remember the morning before we went for my graduation photo-shoot he woke me up saying , 'Mum amka tuende shoot.' He was saying it like we were late already. He was so excited the whole time, you can imagine what that excitement was doing to me - pure bliss!

On the D-day, I woke up to pictures of my little human fixing my crown and I cried happy tears.We had spent the night in a very beautiful home - one of my girlfriends who I had met in my last year in campus hosted us. Coincidentally, their home is so close to where I used to live while in my first year. I had so many bad memories of that place but this time, I was a happy and proud human, I was there because a happy ending.

The same street I used to walk along crying, 

I walked along it in a gown,

a cap and high heels, 

while holding my son's hand.

Headed to meet my proud parents,

Who arrived in school to celebrate me,

Before

I

did.

21st December 2023 is the one day I knew I am loved at home, you know that phrase, right? I felt loved in a different kind of way, I felt celebrated. Most of my family members were there. And some of my friends showed up. As tradition would have it, everyone gave a speech and it took so much to hold my tears through all the speeches.

Everyone had something unique to say about me and I have a thing for words. Genuine words intoxicate me - in an emotionally satisfying way.

When it was gifting time, I knew the only gifts I'd get was money, because that's one of my family's traditions - cash for gifts. Money is good, but material/tangible gifts feel so thoughtful. 

One of my friends gifted me this house perfume and all the tears I had been holding couldn't stop flowing;

How cute is that! It's cuter if you love good scents. And it smells like thoughtfulness - so good! I took it as a manifestation for something so big - I will come back here and tell you guys about it when it happens. 

And every time it runs out, I will always get an exact one, that's how much I love gifts!

When all was said and done, we travelled back home. In my dad's car was him, mum, one of my brothers, my son and me. We cracked a lot of jokes and when we were quiet, my mind would go back to that first journey to Eldoret with my dad. I should get him some expensive hoodie soon, right? 

As I stared at the distant skies, it felt like watching a 5-year film about my life. The realest film I had ever watched. A film with a really good ending.I kept replaying all the important scenes. And when the cold started to kick in, I covered myself nicely with my gown, you can guess what time I took it off, if at all I did.

I continue to be the main character in the coming scenes - cameras on!